Saturday, March 30, 2013


I had a dream about being in a big group and Mallory was there. It was super awkward because she was talking to another guy, but I could tell she didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. I kinda miss her.

This sucks.

Friday, March 29, 2013

I'm not in love

It's strange to not be in love with someone anymore.

I was all about Mallory. I would have done anything for her (which I guess is bs because I didn't move to Burlington), but then again she didn't move to Durham. I don't have that person to share everything with and I feel like nobody wants to know everything about me. It feels limiting and cold.


Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Lifting Fog

I'm feeling a little better about this whole thing now. She came to pick up her stuff from my parents' house yesterday and didn't even tell me. I'm not mad, but that helps to solidify the fact that it's over. I still feel sort of like I'm walking into the mist, but at least I can see a few lights now. It's not all fog.

Monday, March 25, 2013

White lies

Today I told her I miss her.

Was that just me having a rough day and hoping for something magical in the middle of it? Did I mess something up? Did we make a wrong decision?

I don't think so. I think I'm just lonely.

I can't wait to go to the Blue Ridge Mountains and shred some trail. Anything to forget about her.

That is the right thing to do, isn't it?

Sunday, March 24, 2013


I wanna kiss a girl full on the mouth. I want to feel her teeth on my bottom lip and her hands on the back of my neck.

I want to feel desire.

Saturday, March 23, 2013


I miss cuddling with her. I miss her feet rubbing against my feet. I miss having a woman tucked into my body. I miss the smell of her hair. I miss her kisses.

I miss the intimacy.

More fish?

Is there going to be someone better than Mallory?

I find it hard to believe that someone will make me happier than she did, but if that's the case, new girl is gonna be incredible.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Taylor Swift

I wish I had a companion who I could share everything with.


Sometimes I have to actively not think about her, or I find myself sad and missing her. She was my rock. She was always comforting and made me feel good. Right now I just feel alone and without human connection usually. Cara helps. My friends help.

But sometimes I just wanna scream.

Thursday, March 21, 2013


It definitely helps that I can spend my money on whatever I want and I have free time to go on mountain biking trips.

Doesn't mean I don't get lonely.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Canes girl

So last night I went to a Canes game with my dad and sat next to a random cute girl. I didn't know what to really say, but as she began to laugh at what at my jokes I realize I'm not the emotional equivalent of a beached whale. It felt really good.

Monday, March 18, 2013

I'm single

I have no idea what to say to girls.

I have no idea how to hit on girls.

I have no idea how to act.

I guess that's fine since I'm not over the last one, even though I can't believe she's not my woman anymore. She was my best friend and companion for so much time.

But I'm learning to be myself.


Sometimes I really miss her. Sometimes I'm psyched to move on and enjoy my newfound freedom. Either way, I don't know what to go with, but my gut feeling is to try and make it through the separation and figure out who I am on my own.

Wish I was back here

New Beginning

It's fitting that I write a new blog with this new page in my life. What the heck is going on? What do I do now? Did I make the right decision? I just broke up with a girl I was crazy in love with for two and a half years and now we're just supposed to not talk to each other or really show any of the emotions that I pretty much based my life on for the past few years. What the hell? I guess this is where I find out who Matt is. It's uncomfortable.